Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
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this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
Well, this is awkward
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
I have many caverns
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?