Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
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Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg