Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
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I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
How high do the levels go?
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.