*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
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[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?