An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
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Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
my first dose meeting my second
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber