People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
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I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.