Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
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I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.