Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
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I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
Did I do this right
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.