People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
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My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
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Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up