My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
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[canadians at you, canadianly]
Sending in my taxes
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.