me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
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wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
I’d rather fork than spoon.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop