Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
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[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
Netflix and scream at our children?!
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow