Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
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Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
Become ungovernable.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Become a minion. Get that bread.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in