*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
You Might Also Like
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*