I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
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I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*