Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
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I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?