Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
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People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle