Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
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If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?