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doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
The government even made aliens boring
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Dietest Coke
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.