It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
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This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
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Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months