Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
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#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
Lassie, get help!
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”