You are what you delete.
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What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
“and how does that make you feel?”
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
HOW DARE YOU
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.