Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
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Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
it be like that
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”