Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
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WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
God has left this place
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him