God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
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*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
My whole life was a lie.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.