Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
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Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
So the ex texted me
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”