*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
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[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
Rambo Rambow
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
you stereotypes are all alike
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
Social distancing in Australia:
oh you like architecture? name three walls
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.