Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
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WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
Sharon I have some bad news
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…