My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
You Might Also Like
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
This kid is going places
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”