If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
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I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
There are usually two types of merchants.
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
i think my razor is having a panic attack
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
This one’s “Alex”.
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour