Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
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[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing