[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
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[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care