There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
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Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
yes… yes…
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.