“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
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God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
The three genders
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!