Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
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5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
OH. COME. ON.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower