[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
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Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
My neck, my back, my…
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
Not today.. 😂
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.