Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
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I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???