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Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!