Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
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Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
being a writer on Twitter:
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”