Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
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Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me