My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
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Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.