A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
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If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN