I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
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A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”