I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
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Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Yes
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
never ask a starfish for directions
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.