Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
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[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.