Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
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quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more