Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
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I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
it is time once again
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat