Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
You Might Also Like
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.