If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
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I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
I camp so other people don’t have to.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
Risking my life for fun.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar