Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
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It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
Free him
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄